A Lie's Worse
by takealookinsideabook
Summary: Frerard. After realising that he's in love with his band mate and witnessing them being cheated on, Frank really doesn't know what to do. He really needs to tell Gerard, but he doesn't know what the guy's capable of any more.
1. Chapter 1

Drunken fucks were nothing new to Frank. He'd had his fair share over the years of touring, with whoever he could find. Crew, groupie, whatever. He didn't particularly like it, which is why he wasn't sober when they took place.

He didn't fuck his bandmates.

Okay, so that's a lie. He lets Gerard fuck him if they're both up for it, and usually so far gone they don't really know what's happening. Frank knows that it would be weird with anyone else, fucking in an alley or one of their bunks, but it's really not with them. They're so connected, bonded in a way no-one else understands, that Gerard could probably tie Frank up and have his way, however twisted, and it still wouldn't be weird. The thought is pretty pleasing to Frank.

The thing that frustrates Frank is that he remembers most nights, and Gerard doesn't. Frank will wake up the next day, aching with the night before almost clear in his mind, and Gerard will complain about his hangover, rolling out of Frank's bunk like it's totally not a big deal, and start drinking again, then repeat.

At first, Frank _was _ fine with it. He didn't mind, really, because a) Gerard was fucking great in bed, even when he was wasted and b) even though Frank didn't really care, he liked that he was comfortable with Gerard and he was familiar.

But a reasonably large part of Frank wanted Gerard to remember. If Gerard cut the drink and stopped the drugs then maybe they could actually be something together rather than just the occasional fuck. Or daily fuck, but whatever.

Frank knows he sounds pathetic even if he won't admit it to himself.

* * *

><p>For Frank, everything hits home when Gerard tumbles onto the bus one afternoon and announces that he has a boyfriend. At first, no-one says a thing and the silence is fucking deafening, before Mikey lets out a snort and then Bob and Ray burst into fits of laughter. Gerard stares at them, an almost lost look crossing his face, and then glances to Frank.<p>

And what the fuck is Frank supposed to do, stand up and slap him on the back? Congratulate him?

Frank just shrugs at him.

That seems good enough for Gerard, who sends him a small smile, before disappearing back outside.

* * *

><p>After that things get a little out of control. Frank starts drinking and getting high more often, just to take his mind off the fact that he's maybe-but-totally in love with his bandmate. The thought drags him down and he takes another long gulp of the bottle of vodka snuggled between his legs. Hopefully no-one would come down the damp alleyway, he just wants to be alone for a while. Even if everything around him does smell like piss.<p>

Why is he letting himself get like this? He lets the question float around for a while, tugging at his mind, insistent for an answer. He knows, but refuses to give in to his own feelings.

But he had to at some point, right?

He's lifting the bottle to his lips when a voice startles him.

"Mmm, yeah, c'mon," Frank narrows his eyes in the dark, trying to make out the silhouettes at the opening of the alley. They're groping at eachother and Frank wants to gag. Ew.

"Fuck _yeah_," And then Frank freezes because he knows that voice. "Yeah, yeah- faster, Jesus." It's Gerard's stupid fucking boyfriend.

He gets to his feet unsteadily, sagging against the wall for a moment until the floor stops moving before stumbling towards the pair. He's ready to just walk past them, keep his head down and prepare an apology for Gerard in the morning, just an _oops sorry for interrupting you two last night_, and shrug it off.

But that's not Gerard. That's definitely not Gerard because it's a _woman_.

"Shit." Frank stutters out and then immediately regrets it because the couple stop to stare at him and Frank feels like he just got caught watching porn by his mom. He's not sure if they recognise him, as Gerard's best friend or just that shortass guitarist from My Chem, but he's thankful when the woman tells him to fuck off and he's able to scramble away.

* * *

><p>He doesn't say anything to Gerard. He doesn't say a word to anyone but Ray, who gives him a long look before agreeing not to tell anyone else - not even Christa. Frank's glad because if he hadn't told someone, even just one person, he probably would've gone insane.<p>

He carries on as normal. He throws himself around on stage, makes jokes and generally fucks about as usual. No-one seems to notice anything different, which he's thankful for.

He still thinks about what he saw though, most of the time in his bunk before he goes to sleep. He remembers the way they were grabbing at each other, and then he pictures Gerard's face and his gut twists and pulls with guilt.

Gerard was his best friend, the man he was in love with, and yet he didn't even have the balls to be honest with him and tell him what was happening. But Frank was so scared, he knew what Gerard had been like before with other relationships, he didn't know how Gerard would react to someone actually cheating on him.

To be honest though, he doesn't really know if what Gerard's involved in actually _is_ as relationship. Not that it was any of his business.

Well, it kind of was, he decides as he thinks about the alleyway again, cringing as his memory recalls the sounds.

He eventually turns over in his bunk, sighing. It'd been a week and he was beginning to get restless at night, constantly fidgeting and trying to get comfortable, but he just couldn't with his thoughts nagging at him.

He really had to tell Gerard.


	2. Chapter 2

Frank's been planning on how to tell Gerard. He's got so many different senarios in his head, with so many different endings, that he doesn't have the slightest clue on how it will go. Gerard will either scream and cry and go drinking, or he will just accept it and move on. Frank knows it won't be the latter. He just wishes it wasn't him who would have to tell Gerard, if it could be anyone else then he could just be the comforting friend, but he's not and he knows that he has to man up. He's Gerard's friend, he needs this.

Frank doesn't even know if Gerard and the guy were still dating, or whatever it was that they were doing, so maybe he should ask first. But that would seem weird, too forward maybe.

When the fuck did this become his life?

* * *

><p>Frank's got his hood up, his head low. He's tired and frustrated and just upset. He still hasn't told Gerard and it's messing his whole mind and body up. He can't sleep for more than a couple of hours and he barely eats, and people are beginning to notice. Mikey had been frowning at him more, Bob had been softening his playful jabs at his ribs and Ray had been giving him pointed stares, like that would convince Frank to grow a pair.<p>

The parking lot is quiet, empty of people and Frank kind of hates it. He needs the distraction.

As he reaches for the bus door, there's a sound. Quiet and almost unheard, but it catches Frank's attention in the silence. He rounds the side of the bus, slowly stepping down the wide space between the bus and the venue wall. He can see a hunched figure on the floor, and a bag that's open and the contents covering the gravel.

"No no no no," The figure chokes, and Frank realises it's Gerard. His druken slur is familiar, but it worries Frank more than usual.

"Gee?" Frank says softly, careful not to scare the drunken man. He steps closer, so he's only at arms reach.

"N-nothing works," Gerard stutters, gripping an empty bottle in his hand closer to his chest. Frank squints at the bag, but it's just a brown paper bag. He frowns, what the fuck is Gerard on?

"Gee?" Gerard keeps clutching his bottle, rocking slightly on his knees, forehead pressed against the wall. "Gerard, look at me," Frank speaks louder, and then Gerard finally looks at him. His eyes are wide and red-rimmed, pupils so big Frank thinks they're completely black for a moment. "What've you taken?" Gerard doesn't answer as he turns back to the wall, muttering to himself again.

Frank reaches over to the bag, seeing that it's still has it's contents mostly inside, he sticks his hand in a pulls out a handful of pills. Frank frowns at them, trying to work out what they are. They look like paracetamol, but Frank knows they're meant to be deceiving.

"Get off t-them, they're m-mine!" Gerard cries, scrambling on his knees to reach for the bag. Frank drops the tablets as he pushes Gerard back, almost frightened at the man's manic expression. "Gimme them, I n-need-"

"No you don't," Frank says firmly, keeping his hands on Gerard's shoulders as he pulls him closer, wrapping his arms tightly around him. "You don't need them, Gee," Gerard struggles for a moment, but Frank holds on.

"I just- I need to-"

"No. You don't." Gerard eventually slumps into Frank's body, his own grubby hands fisting Frank's shirt as he shuffles closer.

"I always f-fuck things up," Gerard mumbles into Frank's shirt, tears following shortly after as they slipped onto Frank's neck.

"It's okay to make mistakes, Gee," Frank murmurs soothingly, rubbing Gerard's back.

"I don't wanna hurt anymore," Gerard hiccups and Frank buries his face into Gerard's hair. He closes his eyes to try to stop the oncoming tears, but fails as they slip down his cheeks.

Frank helps Gerard up, staggering with him onto the bus and heading straight for the tiny bathroom. "M'gonna be sick," Gerard mumbles a few seconds before he's lurching forward for the toilet and emptying the pills and booze he'd swallowed. Frank pulls his hair back after he's turned the shower on, and Gerard mumbles something that he can't make out.

"C'mon, get up, Gee, you gotta shower," He undresses Gerard down to his boxers and then does so himself. The water is warm when he sticks his hand under the spray, so he herds Gerard in and then steps in after. Gerard sags against him, eyes closed as he breathes steadily.

Frank makes quick work of washing both of their hair and bodies before drying Gerard and helping him into clean clothes and then into his bunk. He's asleep before Frank even closes his curtain.

It takes Frank a few hours of watching the motorway pass in the night to realise that Gerard was trying to kill himself. With his hand clamped over his mouth to trap the sounds, he cries. He lets it all out, because all of these pent up feelings are killing him too. He can't imagine what he'd do if Gerard had suceeded in his plans, or what Mikey'd do. He doesn't want to imagine any of it.

* * *

><p>The next morning he wakes Gerard with a cup of coffee and cereal. Gerard takes them with a tired, slightly confused, but grateful smile. The two of them sit close together on the couch, silent until Gerard speaks.<p>

"M'sorry," He mumbles, staring at his hands and Frank takes them in his own. "You weren't supposed to see me - no-one was meant to see me."

Frank frowns at him. "It doesn't matter. You're here now and that's all I care about, okay?" Gerard nods, but doesn't look at him still. "Gerard, look at me,"

He looks up.

"I'm not gonna ask why you did it because that's your business, but you need help. Just please promise me you'll quit the drugs and the drinking?" Gerard nods, face serious.

"Brian's sending me to rehab."

Frank blinks. "It'll be good for you, Gee, you'll get better," He tries not to feel hurt about the fact that Brian knew before him. He wonders if Mikey even knows.

Gerard smiles at him, pressing a lingering kiss to Frank's cheek before tucking himself against his side and they both fall into a sleep.


End file.
